How one decision on one sad night changed my life
An ode to existentialism, and how one can challenge the status quo for a better life
For as long as I can remember I’ve longed to build a life I didn’t need to escape from.
I also wanted to live a life worthy of a good story, of adventure, and of learnings. When I say adventure I don’t really mean places or cultures, I mean unique human experiences, wherever they may be. Experiences I can hinge growth on, and where I can definitely say," “Yes, I’ve done this” or “Tried it, it wasn’t for me.”
It’s Wednesday morning on my side of the world. I’m sipping on a glass of iced cocoa, 37 weeks pregnant with my first child, in my apartment in the sky, thinking to myself about how lucky I’ve gotten; catching myself again to state that it wasn’t sheer luck, I fought for this.
To give you some idea of my background: I’m not a rags-to-riches story; I didn’t grow up dirt poor, but I did grow up in the scrappy middle class bracket of a 3rd world country, and with that set up, I was afforded occasional luxuries by pinching a few pennies. In my early twenties, my luxuries were overpriced lattes from fancy coffee shops, and brand new books—not thrifted ones. I also loved comic books growing up, and I’d pocket my budgeted merienda1 money each day just to afford my monthly subscription.
Even if this was my reality, I was reminded on a daily basis that my luxuries were merely considered little joys to my friends. I had contemporaries travelling on their mom and dad’s credit cards to exotic locations, friends who were gifted their first cars, and acquaintances on social media who managed to buy new iPhones each time one would come out. I was aware that my family just had enough to get by, and that was good enough for me too—until it wasn’t.
The problem with having a scarcity mindset is you start by limiting yourself with money, and eventually it spills out to other areas of your life.
I grew up parroting my mom and dad’s belief that family is everything with the attached notion that no one will love you more than family. So I didn’t bother building worthwhile connections outside of my family unit, and developed trust issues. Later on, I discovered that while family was important, it wasn’t everything. To rub salt on the wound, I grew up anxious. I had awful, failed, destructive relationships with men who took advantage of me, and I stayed in those relationships until I was completely depleted because that’s what I thought love was. I didn’t see the red flags because I grew up with those red flags, so it was my normal. It took a lot of therapy and practice to figure out what secure, nourishing love looked like.
I was stuck chasing a high-flying career that didn’t bring me purpose and joy. I had to experience an out of this world existential crisis to understand that I was just doing all of it to appease society and my parent’s view of what was worthwhile—and yes, my parents’ opinion mattered because they were footing the tuition bill, and I was under the impression that I had no say2. Finally, this all came to a chaotic climax, when at the end of the day, I rediscovered that what truly matters are the things that make you feel alive.
It’s easy to blame it all on one’s parents—probably to an extent, it’s true. But there comes a time in one’s life when you have to make a decision to either be broken or be born anew.
So one evening in 2018, I snapped. I don’t ever remember having cried so much my entire life. I was sick of it; I was sick of having no friends I could reach out to, sick of being abused by my boyfriend, sick of always telling myself that’s not for you when I saw something I wanted to buy. I was sick of having all these invisible fucking rules that didn’t help me one bit in being happy. I knew I was at a breaking point. Hyperbolism aside, I probably wouldn’t have lived long enough to write this if I wasn’t struck by a momentary glimpse of resilience—in a state of rock bottom, I said to myself, “Fuck it,” and proceeded to purchase a new journal for 2019 (one way too expensive for my budget), where I wrote:
From today onward, I make the rules. I will question all my prior beliefs. I will ask “why not?” and I will live for today. I won’t give a fucking damn what social media, my parents or even what my religion has to say. I’ll do what’s right for me.
I remember Billy Dunne saying something in Amazon Prime’s Daisy Jones and Six, where he said: There’s the right thing to do, and there’s the right thing to do for yourself. Sometimes they’re not the same. Billy was spot-on. All my life, I’ve been doing what others in my world considered to be the right thing without thinking for myself and it cost me greatly.
The decision and resolve to really not give a fuck about what other people think and live with the consequences is what saved me and gave me the life I have today. That decision catapulted all the other decisions that worked in my favor. Of course the limiting beliefs (others would call them inner-critics) were hard at work too:
On therapy
Me: There’s something going on. I need to talk to a professional about this.
Inner Critic: You have your family. You can talk to them. Therapy is for crazy people.
Me: No, they won’t understand. They’re not trained to. Therapy will help me.
I’ve been going to therapy for years now. The stigma of me being a crazy person is no longer there, and I discovered that most of my inner turmoil began in my early years and with my current familial relationships.
On money and scarcity mindset
Me: I am not gonna think about money for the time being. I’ll live on the edge.
Inner Critic: But that’s so irresponsible. What about rent? Food?
Me: I’ll figure that out too. Of course I won’t let myself starve.
Inner Critic: You’ll have to loan and borrow money.
Me: Is that a problem? I can find ways to the decrease the debt.
Today, I live debt-free. I own property now, and can afford more little luxuries.
On dating and finding love
Limiting belief: True love will find a way.
My new belief: I will make a fucking way. I won’t settle for who is just there. If I need to date multiple guys at the same time so be it.
Me: I’ll try out Bumble and Tinder. Let’s see who’s on the market.
Inner Critic: You’ll most likely get HIV or meet a psycho.3
Me: I’m not an idiot. I know how to vet the right people.
Inner Critic: But you’ll get your heartbroken again.
Me: Not if I’m clear with what I want and if I stick to people with green flags.
I met my husband through Bumble. After multiple swipes, many cancelled dates, and dating three other guys before him, I knew he was the one. He hit all my green flags, and to this day, he’s the most secure, kind, and gentle person I’ve ever met who will make a great father to this child I am carrying.
On my career
Me: Dentistry is boring and toxic for me. I hate the people I work with. I hate the industry. It’s time for a change.
Inner Critic: But you’ll have financial stability. Wear a white coat. Have a title. Not to mention a practice of your own.
Me: That’s all just for bragging rights. Besides, it doesn’t guarantee financial stability4. I don’t have the energy for it either.
Inner Critic: What a waste! You spent almost 10 years on this. (Read: Sunk Cost Fallacy)
Me: Yes, I’ll waste 10 more if I pursue this. Enough is enough.
I still continued dentistry on a smaller scale, then found a job as a creative manager in a WFH set up (a totally different industry). I was earning three times as more which enabled me to resign from dentistry, and when I found out I was pregnant, with the help of my husband, I made the privilege decision, of chasing my dream to become a full-time writer (writing was always my first love). Today, I am signed with a publishing house and set to release my first book in 2024.
On seeking independence
Me: Okay, time to move out. My childhood home is triggering me, and not emotionally safe for me anymore. Besides, I am turning 30 soon.5
Inner Critic: It’s better to stay until you are married.
Me: If I stay I’ll sink back into depression.
Inner Critic: You just need to suck it up and wait for the right time.
Me: Bitch, time is now.
I moved out to a studio unit with my cat which was just 15 minutes away from my childhood home. The unit I rented was small but it was home. I had the best memories there. I found out after marrying my husband, that he seriously started thinking about proposing after I moved out—in truth, he was planning on proposing within that year, but my moving out just expedited his plans. So months after I moved out, on a perfectly normal sunny day, he proposed in that small cozy studio unit called home and I said yes.
As I write this, I am filled with so much gratefulness and pride in myself for how I’ve managed to build the life I wanted by fighting for it and not betraying myself in the process.
I find myself smoothing over the moving tummy bulge that has been with me for the past 8 months, and tell her that she, and we, are here today because of all the decisions mommy had to make, and how staying true to myself without any excuses paid off in the long run. These are the adventures I will share with her. When this little girl is born, I hope to ignite in her the same fire that lives in me, so that she can pave the way for herself, and make her own adventures of strength and becoming when the time comes.
Merienda is a term in the Philippines which means "afternoon snack”.
Not having a say with what you want as long as someone is paying for you, (i.e.: tuition, travelling etc.) is an accepted norm in the Philippines for most families.
In my experience of using both apps in 2019, the majority of guys and girls in Tinder, specifically, were notorious for hook up culture. Bumble was a new thing in the Philippine app market, and since not enough success stories were present yet, Bumble got lump-summed as another Tinder. That has changed a lot for Bumble now though.
Dentistry in my country can be lucrative, but it is extremely in flux due to many nuances and faults in the educational system for the dentistry courses available in the Philippines and the implementation of rules and regulations for dental professionals by the PDA.
I was born and raised in the Philippines. In our culture, it isn’t normal for single people (particularly women) to move out of their childhood homes until they get married. The only exception is when we are offered jobs or are studying in far places.