Dare to Do Things that Make You Feel Alive
On empowering ourselves to care about what we want, and how subscribing to routines that nourish us makes us better people.
A little while back, I was struck with what experts are calling an existential crisis or existential burnout. I didn’t know what it was back then, all I knew was that I felt a deep sense of emptiness and unfulfillment I never knew before.
After getting through a really bad period of situational depression in 2013 because of dentistry school, I was at it again by getting so fed-up with my life that I exploded back in 2018—and almost again in 2020. It came in waves. As if my body wanted me to pay attention to something I didn’t care to acknowledge.
Suffice it to say, I was completely unhappy with the career I chose (or was chosen for me) in life. That career was dentistry. But this article isn’t about that, it’ll be about how I overcame it.
If you find yourself today feeling unfulfilled or at a place in your life you don’t want to be in, this article could provide some insight on how to get through it.
I got through my slump by doing three things:
Stop and be honest with yourself — Literally, try to stop. Sit down and imagine if you could realistically be doing anything else that makes you feel fulfilled, like, want-to-get-up-and-do-that-thing-fulfilled, what would it be? Imagine who you want to be 5 or 10 years down the road, are your choices aligned with that person?
In 2018, I was overburdened with the stress of finishing my Master’s in Science in the field of Dentistry. To be quite honest, I liked the prestige, and the prospect of financial security that it brought me, but that was about it. I disliked majority of my colleagues, I disliked my mentors, I disliked the system, people were overtly mean and unprofessional for no reason at all. I felt that I was just doing all that for money and survival and I didn’t want that. There was also a lot of family drama in the background, my friends were absent and flakey (probably because I was a pain in the ass too), and at that time, I was dating a complete and total asshole-narcissist who treated me like dirt. My life was toxic, and obviously, there was something in me that had to change too.
Resolve It Mentally — If you’re honest about stopping, and you find that you aren’t in a space that makes you feel fulfilled, resolve to ask yourself about what you can do to either incorporate what you want into your current life, or totally scrap your current situation and make changes that will lead you to it.
I read in a book entitled Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts—Becoming the Person You Want to Be, that coach and author, Marshall Goldsmith had a very successful client that harbored so much anger towards his father. His client had a strained relationship with his dad because he felt obligated to follow in his father’s footsteps in politics—an industry and a job his client absolutely hated. When he was told that he just isn’t happy with his career and not necessarily his father. They both resolved that he just needed to find something else to do. So, he dropped his political career and went on to become a travelling journalist, his relationship with his father drastically improved.
In my case, I was stuck in a loop that lead me to situational depression, and the thing about situational depression is that you keep getting depressed because you’re in a situation that doesn’t serve you. I knew if I just silenced the noise again, it would get worse. I knew I wouldn’t survive another bout of situational depression, the stakes were high. So, in an act of emotional depletion and desperation, I decided to change all of it: Get professional therapy, find new friends, don’t worry about money (be YOLO for once), get your master’s diploma as quietly and as swiftly as possible, stop dating the asshole-narcissist, and get on Bumble and Tinder. That was the plan, it seemed impossible to do, but I was determined to change my life.
Proactively Move, Record It and Be Accountable— Find ways to make it happen. Get the plan in motion by making the calls that need to done. Ask for the help that needs to sought. Enroll in lessons that will grant you the knowledge to start. Book a flight if you have to. Save for it, if you need to. Show up in meetings and appointments that bring you closer to whatever that new you, new career or new life looks like. Record it every step of the way, because you’ll want to look back at it when the time comes.
My experience was life-changing. In 2019, I said I would change everything I disliked and flip it into a life of my own that I actually did like. No more new year’s resolutions (It made me feel like a loser and thwarted my momentum each time I broke a resolution, so I stopped it). No more dating assholes—sift and sieve through dating apps purposefully. Appointments with my therapist were sacred. I applied for a gym membership and sweat out the anxiety whenever it hit instead of spiraling nonsensically into oblivion. I got into networking events that actually interested me to find cool, like-minded people who could be my new friends. I switched universities to still get my master’s degree—sunk cost fallacy was high with me (more on that next time). I assessed that I was spending so much energy being miserable with my life, so I might as well spend that wasted energy into doing new (at times uncomfortable) stuff that would make me feel better about myself in the long run and stick to it. You’re never stuck, you can always take control of your life. The only thing in the way is you and your limiting beliefs.
In retrospect, 2019 was one of the best years of my life. I did everything I listed unapologetically, and as a result, I met the love of my life, I made lifelong friendships (like SATC great), got into a less stressful environment, got fitter, and overall, became happier.
It didn’t stop there though. Repetition is key, so each time I felt something was amiss in the life I was actively building, I’d incorporate the three steps. Through this practice, it became apparent to me that it wasn’t enough to simply stop, resolve and act my way to instigate change. Long, lasting change had much to do with being consistent, I learned there was something missing:
Find Routines that Nourish— When I say ‘routine’, it sounds boring and robotic. But if you look it up in the dictionary, a routine is simply a set of actions regularly followed to achieve an outcome. Keywords: Actions and Outcome. It doesn’t have to be fixed forever, routines can change as you go through life.
In 2020, when I felt stuck because of the pandemic (we all did at some point), I developed an exercise routine outdoors to help me get some fresh air, some perspective, and a lot of sweat out. When I got pregnant, I developed a morning routine that helped me stay grounded past all the confusing pregnancy hormones, and now that I am way into my 3rd trimester, I’ve settled into a nourishing routine of Substack — Writing —Reading —Goodreads.
One key factor that lead to my depression back in 2013 was being so single-mindedly focused on achieving something that I’d forget to practice the other important things that make me feel alive and leave me feeling nourished. I love to write. I love journaling. I love creating art. I love reading books and chatting with friends in dimly-lit, aromatic coffee shops. Somewhere along the way I forgot about my love for all of them and it cost me greatly—I had allowed myself to reach rock bottom unknowingly.
So today, find time to reflect about the stuff that makes you feel alive and nourished. Find ways to incorporate them if you haven’t yet, and if you already have, seek to make a routine for them.
On that note, I’m curious, what activities or routines nourish you? How did you discover them?