Child-Free Envy and How I'm Managing as an Expecting Mom
The cool, child-free auntie who gets to travel whenever she likes was my penultimate goal. But, life decided otherwise.
I’m lucky. That’s what I’ve been told time and time again. I got pregnant right away in a spur-of-the-moment kinda’ thing with my husband one night. We’ve always talked about having kids, and I was always neutral about it. When it finally happened, it wasn’t an “Oh yes!” moment, it was more of a “Oh, shit” moment. That pretty much set the theme of my entire experience during this pregnancy even if my experience is labelled as an easy one.
Not long after having these mixed emotions, the shame started pilling in. How absurd do I have to be to feel this way, right? A child is a blessing. Not everyone can conceive, I should be happy and grateful.
Well, I am grateful, I look forward to birthing this little girl growing in me. I set up the crib with my husband, planned birthing classes and other stuff [practical] expecting moms do. I did all of that because I take accountability for providing and loving this child. But—does that mean I feel like I’m waking up everyday like it’s Christmas morning? Hell, no.
I read a lot about the child-free movement from writers on Substack as seen on
. I also scoured the internet for books and personalities who echo the sentiment such as Chelsea Handler’s hot take on purposely choosing a child-free lifestyle. I can’t help but feel a sisterhood towards them, and support them greatly even if I’m an expecting mom. I identify with them more than I identify with all these momfluencers on Instagram who single-handedly make me feel that unless I’m planning a grand baby shower or posting my magical pregnancy journey, I’m not up to parr with this whole mothering thing. (That’s not true of course).My identification with the likes of Chelsea and Emma versus the moms is where I started feeling the envy associated with the child-free lifestyle, not resentment or regret, but envy. I mean the child-free lifestyle touts my life’s main motivators: independence, freedom and control.
Being the existentialist that I am, the reflective questions came through one night as I journaled:
Why do I feel this way?
What is triggering me to feel this way?
Is it a counterproductive feeling? If so, how can I reframe?
What are actionable steps I can take to feel better?
Currently, I’m reading Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts—Becoming the Person You Want to Be by Marshall Goldsmith and he talks about how our behavior is altered by our environment and how our response shapes our outcome when we are aware of our triggers.
With all that in mind, I came back to the absolute truth: No one knows what it’s like to live your life, so incorporate the stuff you want, and let go of the stuff you don’t.
I guess all the child-free lifestyle talk did a number on me unknowingly. Even if the messaging was meant to empower women to make the child-free choice, it left me, an expecting mom moving into motherhood feeling like I gave up something I worked so hard to build: independence, freedom and control. I was so focused on what I allegedly gave up, that I didn’t realize all the ways I can realistically incorporate them into my new life as a mom. You can’t have it all, but you can try to add in the things that matter to you most, and that’s what counts.
So to me, it looks like reframing statements by women who chose the child-free path and incorporate them into my new life as a mom.
“You won’t be able to sleep after having kids” ➡️ “I won’t be able to sleep 8 hours straight anymore. But I can find ways to catch up on it.”
“Say good-bye to your adventures and travels after kids.” ➡️ “With the right planning and help, I can still choose to have an adventurous life.”
“Having kids will put a dent in your savings.” ➡️“True. So I’ll work on budgeting, investing my money wisely and setting aside some for me.”
“You have to love your kids more than yourself.” ➡️ “It is possible to love myself and my children without having to compromise loving myself.”
“You won’t have a life after having kids.” ➡️ “I will have a life, my child will be a huge part of it, but she won’t be the only thing that matters.”
“I’m fit, I’m beautiful and not stressed because I choose to be child-free.” ➡️ “I was fit before this pregnancy, and I will be fit again after having kids. I will always care for myself. I’m always beautiful.”
I think internal thoughts that lead to triggers take a huge amount of energy to reframe into more productive thoughts. That’s fine, we aren’t programmed to always be peaceful (especially if you’re pregnant), but it does help to practice empowering self-talk that matters to you.
Other things that kept me preoccupied through the past week:
The Four Winds by Kristin Hannah. A very lovely historical romance fiction on motherhood, family and love
Workin’ Moms on Netflix. I think I need to write about this show. It captures way too much of the daily struggles of being a parent (in a comical way)
Meeting up with a Birth Coach to discuss our options.
Officially getting into a reading routine, and new sleeping routine.
This is such a thoughtful and interesting piece and I'm glad I read it (Substack said I was tagged). I am going to share it in my next round-up newsletter - thanks for writing it! Reflecting on our own nuanced triggers and reframing our own life choices rationally is such an interesting topic. And HUGE congrats on expecting! ✨
This is a terrific piece, and much needed right now. as the online discussion around the children/no children choice can be really fraught these days. I'm in the process of finishing final edits on a memoir about opting for an adventurous life instead of having children - but my story is very nuanced and multi-faceted, and I'm keenly aware of the 'road not taken'. All big life choices come with gains and losses, and there is no way of knowing how they will pan out in future years. Thank you for your honesty. And - from my long perspective (I'm 71) you actually can have kids and an adventurous life. Maybe not doing some of the insane expeditions I undertook, but kid-friendly and wonderful adventures. Also, some of my friends who had kids went right back to their adventurous ways once the children had left home. It's all a balance, right? If you've read this far - one quick question. My publisher insisted on the word 'childfree' in my subtitle. Would 'child-free' be better? Why is one used instead of the other? (That is two questions...)